I guess I should share why I was angry about hummus.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder, this post contains some discussion of calories and food quantities. I’ve tried to keep the content as ‘safe’ as possible, but of course, safety is personal and relative. If you think this might be triggering for you, please, please put your mental wellbeing first when deciding whether or not to keep reading.
On Saturday I bought a tub of hummus. This is something I haven’t done in quite a few months, I’d been avoiding anything that was too calorie dense for the arbitrarily defined boundaries anorexia had set in my head. Anorexia had decided that hummus wasn’t worth it. The spend-thrift in me hadn't been prepared to purchase a whole tub, use a teaspoon and end up throwing the rest away.
But in a particular moment of bravery, on Saturday I committed to buying and consuming a tub of hummus. I picked one with a long sell-by date, and decided I’d take my chances. Feeling fired up, I took the hummus and the rest of my shopping home and spent the next hour or so planning how and when I was going to consume it. Indeed, a lot of my time is spent planning how and when I am going to consume things.
I made a dent in it on Saturday evening. And again Sunday lunchtime. And again multiple dents on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Today is Thursday, and I’m feeling angry about that tub of hummus that’s still in the fridge.
I’m angry because I like hummus, and the me without anorexia would’ve finished that tub days ago. I’m also angry because I just wish hummus was less calorie-dense than it is so I didn’t have to be so worried about how much of it I’m eating. I’m angry because I hate wasting food, yet I’ve been eating hummus in various forms multiple times a day for four days now and one can definitely have too much of a good thing. I’m angry that they don’t just sell hummus in smaller pots, or create some technology that stops it drying out after it’s been opened for a while. I’m angry that my clinician was really pleased with me yesterday for introducing some more ‘scary’ foods like hummus into my diet, meaning I’ll probably have to go through this rigmarole all over again. But most of all, I’m angry that a pot of hummus has taken up so many hours and days of thinking, calculating, worrying, recalculating, guilt feeling and justifying. I’m angry that this pot of hummus has been significant enough for me to create an entire blog dedicated to it.
It’s Thursday afternoon, and I have finally successfully made it through the hummus. Please see my attached picture evidence. No applause necessary. It was nothing.
Welcome to the mind of someone living with and trying to recover from anorexia. This is going to be an interesting ride.